Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces