I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
when mom throws a party…
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice