interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Nailed it!馃憞馃徎馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
It鈥檚 an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
*Texting with my wife while she鈥檚 out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU鈥橰E *
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it鈥檚 filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 馃槹
My baby:
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.