I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.