5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re