I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.