Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Doug is just Canadian for dog
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.