The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes