Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.