Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
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[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.