-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space