Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…