being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
me when I see my crush
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!