My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all