this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well