I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
BaD BoY!!
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.