I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
You Might Also Like
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.