“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
IT’S-A ME,
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.