I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*