“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
You Might Also Like
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?