My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me buying fruit and veg
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡