drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?