[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.