every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?