Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.