the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
this is 10/10 content no notes
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you