My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
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We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!