The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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Oceanography is all about current events
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
@funTweeters I am at your service….
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Great Canadian literature.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome