If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
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why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
goldfish mafia
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Basketball
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
sounds kinky. i’m in.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.