ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
When someone says you are so lazy
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one