Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
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grotesque if literal: baby food
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
@ candidates for local office
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’m not lazy
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My teenage children choosing violence
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
PLEASE READ
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party