We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
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My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.