Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
You Might Also Like
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
That lamp looks PISSED.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance