My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
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[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom