I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.