I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.