“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”