I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT