I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
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ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I saw this ending much differently.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.