computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Meowchelangelo