the prophecy has been fulfilled
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At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school