What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
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A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Was it something I said?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this