Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
So glad we cleared that up
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job