According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
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i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
What a website
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?