*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
lmfao come on
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Pat is about to own someone
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.