When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
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Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”