c’mon!
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Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Some people were born into their job.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?