Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
You Might Also Like
mood
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Schrödinger’s cookie
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy