CUTE CAT‼︎
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
every college guy’s fridge
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.