I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..